just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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