i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
