Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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