what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i drank out of a bidet.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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