I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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