Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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