no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
