New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
