my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
