had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
