took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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