you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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