These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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