just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
