What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
