so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
