update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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