how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
