He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
