New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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