i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
