I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
