dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
