Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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