If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
