guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We got so high we made milksteak
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
