just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize