if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
bring money and cleavage
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
