Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
