I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
