My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
