It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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