I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
