A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize