this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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