OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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