i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
