If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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