I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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