I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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