i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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