I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
