Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
