New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
