Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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