After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
