I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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