I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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