We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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