I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
