He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
