Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
