NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize