I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
