she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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