i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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