I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
