my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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